I’m tired and I don’t know what to do.
No one understands you like a fellow traveler.
My conclusions from overthinking.
After trying to analyze ever little detail of my life (from what I could recall) for the last couple days I came to a conclusion that helps me sleep at night. I am always running scenarios back over and over again in my mind, trying to figure out what I did wrong, or how I could have made it better, but at the end of the day there is nothing I can do or fix. (I’ve learn not to make life decisions after midnight) So after giving up, I realize, I just want to do something that matters. Sometime I can invest myself in, without questioning every couple days will this really be worth it. I don’t care if its people, a profession, a calling. I just want something I don’t have to watch myself to make sure I’m not stepping on glass or look back and find out that I’ve been only going in circles.
I’ve been through people who don’t care a rats ass about you at the end of the day. I’ve strived for things that I’ve known would end up in inner turmoil or destruction. I just want to go all in with something (or possibly more then one thing). That won’t come back to completely haunt me in the end. I know there is risk in the flight and I don’t care if I need to fail at some things just to get better or practice. I kinda just want to do something thats worth it…Thats building me up, but not to break me down to ground zero again.
I know that a lot to ask, but I feel like if I am fact really am of any value, there should be some purpose somewhere in me for something.
So I’m up at 2 o’clock in the morning with my last week full week of summer before me. Luckily I only have to work a couple days this week, at a job that I kinda like a lot.
It’s so much to take in. Honestly this summer was a rocky one. I am being completely honest when I say they were times where I didn’t know where I would be next week, and who would be there.
I got to meet some amazing foreign college age students for a week and to sit at a round table with people from 5 different nations, was an amazing experience. But after that leaving that to never look back was hard, but necessary.
Being on a family vacation with someone who doesn’t want you there, but enjoying the heck out of it anyway.
Counseling at a camp, receiving counselor of the week for a second year in a row and having the honor baptizing a new close relationship and baptizing a old friendship and having the opportunity to carry some amazing friendships out of that week.
Having a job that I love dropped into my lap, just by volunteering.
Unfortunately, falling off a cliff into some pretty big sin, and dealing with the current trying to get out of it.
Having a person who is suppose to care about you try to pull the rug up from under you and leave you on your bare butt when they do it. Having them say the worse things about you and not automatically fighting for your innocents reacting but thinking and deciding not to react so you won’t be dragged in more. Worse, having someone else to you feel so apathetic and deceived about it they see no repercussions from supporting that persons decision. From that having to rally prayers from everyone who cares about you, and seeing that light outshine all darkness. Best of all, seeing God keep that path set. I can truly say my faith was tested this summer with that situation. In some of the worse hours all I knew that if I lost everything, I still had Jesus, and sometimes thats the farthest I could see.
At least now I have some more of the tools to cut that person out and a lot of the poison they brung with them.
Going to having a nice bit of comfort room involving funds, to being on a strict budget. But it’s not to bad, just thinking ahead.
Being with my second family, spending lots of time with them.
Passing out after work.
65 cent wing nights.
Road trip to ocean city.
Treating a bro to steak.
Batman opening day.
Loving family giving gas when needed.
Setting up for a sweet 16.
Talking to friends 100s of miles away on a weekly basis.
Celebrating a 3 year olds birthday in a beach house.
Aunties relating to you.
Napping over Grandmas house.
Tubing down a lazy river with amazing kids.
Finishing Mockingjay and Perks of being a wallflower.
Going to a horse farm at midnight…barefoot.
Baking cookies with a five year old.
Teaching teens how to drive.
Getting mom and grandma kick butt phones for mothers day.
Seeing teenagers grow up into amazing men and women.
Spending countless hours with my mom doing everything and nothing.
In life we sometimes expect momentous events to change our lives and the way we live our lives. I can say every little thing on this list changed me in a way. And there is no way I could have planned any of this even months in advance. Though there were some dark nights, the light outshines every ounce of those bitter moments. God is amazing and he never let me down for a second. I am truly thankful for these last 3 months. Though I am sad to see them end, I know with a God like mine there’s better coming…so in the mean time I am ok with being blinded I trust my savior and best friend. So for this last week, I am going to do what I know I’m suppose to do and Trust that every loose end will be tied just the way it is meant to be. Though I’m not one to be very public about saying this, I really want to say thank you God and I truly love you.
Just another midnight rant.
Sometimes I don’t know if I miss my friends or the idea friends. I will admit I do like having the option of staying at home and not doing much for these couple weeks. I do miss all the adventures and misadventures I use to have only a couple weeks ago. Thinking bad I remember all the annoying people I had to put up with though. The ones who subjected me to their set of standards and morals, while they were on a pedestal above me. It’s really nice to get away from people like that. It seems like I don’t really have any use for friends since I am not doing much at all, but it works the other way too, I don’t have friends back home, so I don’t do much. My relationship with God has suffered the much though. It’s like clockwork, every time I come home my spiritual life takes a dive off a cliff. So to sum it up I guess I can say, I don’t have much to any friends at home, my relationship with God becomes near non-existent because of my of course, and I spend most of my time at home trying to occupy my time trying not to be lonely, not spending money. Must days it feels like I’m in a rut that I have no idea how to change. Well I don’t think it’s going to change tonight, so it is what it is.
I’m afraid to let people depend on me
It makes me feel weird when a person starts to lean on me for anything. I like that they trust me, but I instantly run away, and either I’m afraid to let the person down so I push myself way beyond my limits and my personal boundaries, or I just flat out run away. I grew up learning, that when a person depends on you they will probably let you down. And for a person to lean on you, that they have some unrealistic expectations of who you are. So I figure cut it short and why not just run away while your ahead.
Recently though I have gotten pretty close to one person, and I have been letting them in and actually letting myself by vulnerable around them, and I will admit that its one of the best feelings to let someone in and they not run away after a week. Usually everyone seems like they have someone so I just sit back, and I am afraid to jump in the pool with no one around to watch will I drown or not.