My emotions don’t connect to my head anymore. This time I have spent by myself have moved me from a place of growth and productivity to a place of disconnection. I guess it doesn’t help my only pet passed away, the one I’ve had since I was thirteen. It’s the only thing in this world that been with through all my sporadic bouts of depression, all those lonely nights at home. Now every random noise I can’t blame on him. It all happen all of a sudden. Since I got home from college he’s been looking sickly after a few days my mom and I  took him to the vet at 11 o’clock at night for an emergency. We gave him to the receptionist, a few minutes later we took him to the back. And the vet told us his kidneys were failing and it was just a slow process until he would pass away. She said he would have 3 months max with shots, otherwise it would be best to put him down. As she was telling me this I kept a straight concerned face, but then it hit me all at once. I couldn’t hold myself back, I know it sounds corny but my best friend was going to have to be put down. This is the second person/animal that helped my majorly get through my battle with depression as a teenage. First my Therapist/Counselor/substitute grandmother, now my pet the thing I could always think about or look at that would always bring a smile to my face. Now when I think about him I just hold back tears. Mom my left the room eventually while I just cried, and they brought my bunny in. I held him with his bloated stomach, as I knew he was in deep pain over his physical condition. The vet made a comment if we decided to keep him alive, she said “you have to ask yourself who are you doing this for, for him or for yourself?” I had no problem keeping him alive for myself. But I the decision had already been made. I was spending the last moments with my pet. I held him, pet him, talked to him, and gave him a kiss. I got a few pictures which I will treasure forever. I remember just before I was about to leave him, he started to panic and I had to yell for a nurse. The last thing was for him to have a heart attack in my arms. That’s the last time I saw him. For the longest time it was Me, my mother and Chester. He was one of the family, he influenced were we decided to move, we had to pay extra rent for him. He was a major factor in the budget to make sure we could be fed, bought litter, and a new cage if he needed it. Now I just sit in living room by myself looking at the empty corner. That ride home I didn’t say much, if anything at all. An introvert at his best, not mad, not uncontrollably weeping, just quiet with some tears coming down now and then. My mom took down the cage the next day. And now it just seems all gone, except one toy I kept before the cage was all gone. As my mom told my whole family they were sad and offered they condolences through her, but secretly I wish they would have told it me, just so I can hear their voice as they said it and know they mean it, even though I know they do anyway. I posted on Facebook and got a few people to offer their sorries. It felt really good, just to know some people just gave me a virtual pat on the back. Most of the people were older people from church which surprised me even more.  Every night since, I haven’t been able to sleep normally. Though I don’t know is that because of college or this. This is the first time I really explained it all. I miss him. No one really notices it but a lot of different. Now I have to think my mom being completely alone while I’m in college, or gone. I really don’t have a desire to get another pet. We use to talk about what I would do with him after we graduated.  Pray God does something with this because I don’t see this going away soon. It’s like it’s so deep inside me, I don’t express it to anyone or when it brought up I immediately change the subject. I don’t feel comfortable with it yet. That’s it for now though. Rest in Peace Chester, I love you.