And then there are some days I just feel defeated before the day is half way over.

After trying to analyze ever little detail of my life (from what I could recall) for the last couple days I came to a conclusion that helps me sleep at night. I am always running scenarios back over and over again in my mind, trying to figure out what I did wrong, or how I could have made it better, but at the end of the day there is nothing I can do or fix. (I’ve learn not to make life decisions after midnight) So after giving up, I realize, I just want to do something that matters. Sometime I can invest myself in, without questioning every couple days will this really be worth it. I don’t care if its people, a profession, a calling. I just want something I don’t have to watch myself to make sure I’m not stepping on glass or look back and find out that I’ve been only going in circles.
I’ve been through people who don’t care a rats ass about you at the end of the day. I’ve strived for things that I’ve known would end up in inner turmoil or destruction. I just want to go all in with something (or possibly more then one thing). That won’t come back to completely haunt me in the end. I know there is risk in the flight and I don’t care if I need to fail at some things just to get better or practice. I kinda just want to do something thats worth it…Thats building me up, but not to break me down to ground zero again.

I know that a lot to ask, but I feel like if I am fact really am of any value, there should be some purpose somewhere in me for something.

It irks me every single time. 

I hope sometime soon I get to have some deep talks with some of these great people I’ve gotten close to this summer.

I’ve been out walking
I don’t do too much talking
These days
These days
These days I seem to think alot
About the things that I forgot to do

And all the times I’ve had
A chance to

I stop my rambling
I don’t do too much gambling these days
These days
These days I seem to think alot
How all the changes came about my way

And I wonder if I’d see another
Highway

I had a lover
I don’t think I’d risk another these days
These days
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It’s just that I’ve been losing
So long


I’d stop my dreaming
I won’t do too much scheming these days
These days
These days I sit at corner stones
And count the time the quarter turns to ten
Please don’t confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them 

A lot of the time it’s hard for me to come to grips with who I really am. On one hand I am a person who plans things, takes people places, and usually make sure everything is going smoothly and everyone is having a good time. On the other hand I go to any level to make sure anyone is happy, even if that means me losing, a couple of lonely nights, money, me pushing anything I want aside to make sure someone else is happy.

But this has run me into a muck. Especially recently.

For me it hard sometimes to examine my motives. Sometimes I think I doing something because I want to help a person progress into the next stage and become ultimately a better person. And sometimes I wonder if my motives include my getting what I want out of a person like their company to substitute for me being lonely or some sort of commitment. Or perhaps me just experiencing a new type of person.

But usually when I just sit down and just think about it without the black and white-ness, I usually just am doing it because it’s nice and I think it’s the right thing to do in the place and time, with no hidden motive attached to it.

And it’s hard for me because I like to love hard. I usually think about nice thing I can do for a person weeks in advance which may be a little weird but since it don’t hurt anyone( besides possibly me) I usually don’t care.

I usually just want so much. And in a way I feel like I’m just trying to create this perfect friend and fitting my
Body and personality into it so I can be a good friend. But if you haven’t noticed this my now it’s an impossible thing to do.
And I covet this so much. I want to be a really good friend. And who knows where this urge comes from? Maybe it because I didn’t have many close friends growing up or maybe it’s because I’m afraid of the future. I just want insure once in case God doesn’t provide ( which isn’t by no means something I am proud of)( and He will).

I need to somehow come to terms with all of this and learn to let go and let God provide and Life live itself.

It’s just so hard sometimes to stop caring.

Any advice, suggestions, comments,